Young feminist women might hate to read this but I have to write it so that those who can, begin to manage their expectations and manoeuvring spaces with attendant opportunities. It is worth noting that this has likely been said before in different ways.
The older women you see dominating spaces or unintentionally mimicking the tokenism in inclusion exhibited in patriarchally shaped spaces, often have their leadership style modelled after patriarchal notions of leadership and this informs how they organise and acknowledge your existence. Like tea that often escorts whatever edible solid meal chosen for breakfast, ageism almost always accompanies the presence of patriarchy. Ageism personified, also has “the young can’t teach the old much” up its sleeves. You may be young, wise and gifted but to many who are older and shaped by these notions, you are seen more as one who should carry the handbag, serve them tea and be invited last to the table or even if you are invited early, it is often for such roles akin to those of a nanny who accompanies an elite working mother on a trip. This nanny who does the important must remain almost invisible. You are their servant.
Young woman, you should also be their secretary to take notes if they sit like village chiefs in a circle to deliberate on a matter because after all, you are their daughter who should deploy your tech savviness and often handy writing skills in easing the burden on them. Need I say you shouldn’t be shocked if these services are expected to be for free like those offered by an unpaid housewife. Sister, you must remember to not even unintentionally outshine them no matter the menial role you take on in a space shared with them. If and when you outshine, they must grant you permission which you would be lucky to get without sucking it up to them.
Does it shock you that when you get a female mentor, you will be drawn to the older who may quickly see you and introduce you as their child which can also mean being expected to be unquestioning in the African context as far as children are concerned. You may also quickly want them to offer you the embrace of a mother which can be hard to balance with the role of a mentor. They will also prefer to introduce you as their daughter instead of friend. The relationship will be defined as a senior-to-junior one. You won’t be asked often to teach them how you do something because of the unconscious bias they have about the prospects of being taught anything by someone younger and of their gender. This is true for especially those whom you interact with often. Your younger colleagues from far afield who won’t interface much with them to figure out their vulnerability will be permitted to teach one or two things but not you because you will then see through their insufficiencies and realise you give them too much credit than they think they deserve. They fear being vulnerable to you not realising that to lead well, a leader must learn to be vulnerable to those they lead too. Patriarchy doesn’t permit leaders to show any emotions, remember. I don’t mean the feigned vulnerability meant to exploit free services. As if that is not enough, you don’t have to dare to want to teach anything or you risk being construed as arrogant or irreverent. You are not permitted to do anything that outshines them. Beloved, these notions are internalised and unconsciously exist in many including us the younger ones.
Whereas the above is a phenomenon we have decried as pervasive in male dominated spaces, it helps to acknowledge that it manifests in spaces organised by women for women. Knowing this should help each to know the different dynamics that underpin your participation in anything in life. It should help to not always mistakenly expect that every older woman will protect you using the real or perceived privilege associated with being older. It should also help you to understand that many will show up imperfect and may even be worse than the men you have seen in leadership and this may depend on which men modelled leadership to them. Some will fight you overtly or tacitly and this too should not shock you. Leadership has for long been defined by patriarchy and the ills that accompany it.
Yet, each young one must strive to ensure that this reflection of negative patriarchal leadership notions end with generations ahead one’s. I don’t have the magic wands on how we can achieve this but I believe that we can start with deliberate self-critique about how we lead and question the beliefs that inform our leadership styles. We should be the generation that begins to accept that the young mustn’t be unquestioning towards leadership just because it is worn by one older and erroneously seen as always wise. We should be the generation that understands that doing good for anyone shouldn’t be patronising and used to expect no disagreement or difference in thoughts, ideologies and approaches. We should be the generation that truly emphasises that respect is earned not by aging but by serving all well without prejudice to age. Finally, a generation that shows that it is okay for the old and highly experienced to apologise to the young and inexperienced when one wrongs the latter. That having achieved so much and become older does not licence one not apologize even when they wrong one they deem inferior. It is not going to be easy because most of what is mentioned exists in our subconscious. On leadership and inclusive spaces for women by women, may mine and your generation and those to come be the difference.
Koiti Emmily 